There Is a War Raging In My Head

Scotland trip: Planned.
Money for Scotland: Being set aside.

The realization that I won't be able to drink in Scotland: setting in and causing some panic.

I believe I have been in a manic episode for a while for a few reasons:

1. I spent a huge chunk of money on clothes even though I plan to lose weight and hope to not fit into them.

2. I've had this unbelievable urge to go out and party (highly unusual for me these days).

3. I've been smoking and drinking more than is usual for me lately (this means a glass of wine and four to six cigarettes per day, but that's a lot for me).

4. I've started having panic attacks again.

5. I have spurts of verbal diarrhea.

So with that in mind, last night, I decided to go out with my friends (who were extremely surprised because I hate the bar we went to, and because I don't go out), and being in a manic episode, I convinced everyone to have shots.  Boy, did that decision backfire on me.  I spent a good 10 minutes sitting outside the bar later crying before finally being able to compose myself enough to get home.  Everything about the situation repulsed me.  I was repulsed by the amount of alcohol I consumed knowing I shouldn't have, I was repulsed by the bar, I was repulsed by my outfit, I was repulsed by my body, I was repulsed by my tattoos, by my hair, everything.  It was all very horrific and I haven't felt that way in quite some time.  It confirmed my fear that I really can't be that person anymore.  I can't be carefree when it comes to alcohol anymore.  It messes too much with my emotions.  My brain has a hard enough time processing/controlling the "feels" under normal circumstances.  Add vodka to the mix and it can't keep things contained anymore. All the horrible things that go through my head that I smother down about myself, all the insecurities, they bubble up to the surface.  They run rampant and I'm not me anymore.  

I guess I have to come to terms with the fact that I will be spending a lot of time sober and alone.  Normally, I'm okay with that but the manic side of me is scratching at the walls right now, screaming to be let loose.


















Safe Travels,

Photos are from a recent hike on Tiger Mountain.  Not highly relevant to the post, but they fill up some space.