I'm in the midst of a panic attack and it feels relevant to post this. Every panic attack feels different for everyone but this is what mine feel like. It feels like there is a weight on my chest and my brain feels like it's surrounded by a viscous gray fluid...at least that's how I imagine it. There's sludge in my veins and it feels like every movement is taking too much energy. I'm sweating and cold at the same time. I want to take off my sweatshirt but it feels like too much work. I want to cry but know that I can't.
So here are the thoughts racing through my head as I'm waiting for my lorazepam to kick in:
1. Why do you even bother? No one reads this.
2. You're too fat.
3. You're lazy.
4. You shouldn't take the medication.
5. You should take the medication.
6. I miss being a drunk.
7. I should have a drink, but I can't because I just took lorazepam.
8. You'll never be good enough.
9. You're going to fail, you're going to fail, you're going to fail.
10. You'll never have enough.
11. You are selfish.
12. You care too much.
13. You made a fool of yourself.
14. You should write more. Why are you so uninspired?
15. You are alone, you will always be alone.
16. No one loves you. Why should they?
17. You are a slob.
18. You shouldn't think these things about yourself, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
19. You should hurt yourself.
These thoughts keep racing around my brain on a loop and I can't wait for the numbness to kick in. And then I hate the numbness when it is always there. I wish I didn't feel this way...I wish that this wasn't my first post in four months.
Safe travels,
