Why Can't I Be a Professional Procrastinator?

As my ever growing to-do list hovers over my head menacingly, I'm rewatching Gilmore Girls and reading years and years worth of blog entries from The Bloggess instead of crossing things off.  My anxiety has been acting up lately and I don't know if it's because I'm procrastinating or the procrastinating is causing my anxiety to act up.  It's your standard chicken or the egg argument for the mentally unstable.

Here is my to-do list:
1. Study math to prepare for when I start school in August.
2. Find tickets to Russia.
3. Clean my room.
4. Brush up on essay writing for my writing portfolio for school.
5. Look for jobs in the hospitality field.
6. Clean my room (yes, this is second time it's on the list but that's just how messy my room is).
7. Call my dog's insurance company.

And the bigger my list gets, the more anxious I get about it, and the more anxious I get about it, the less I want to do any of it.  So I'm finding comfort in Jenny Lawson.  Even when she's not making me laugh, she makes me feel...saner.

There's also the fact that I can't find comfort in my normal way: food.  I started a new diet.  It's awful.  I can't have fruit, certain vegetables, grains, sugar, legumes, alcohol, air, certain teas, you know...anything that makes life worth living.  And I'm paying out the ass for this restrictive regime.  It's a self-inflicted torture chamber.  However, after seeing the photos my counselor took of me (i.e. the before photos), there was really no way around it.  I don't know how I let it get this bad and now it's time to buckle down.  I've done diets like this in the past and I have no fucking idea how I did!  This is day three and I'm ready to kill for a damn snickers bar!  You know you're in hell when an "artificially flavored chocolate drink" tastes like heaven.

And now I've realized that this post is absurdly all over the place so apparently, along with my anxiety, my ADD is also acting up.  I'm just going to chalk this entire post up as a failure, call it a day and go back to Stars Hallow.

And because there is no cohesive theme to this post whatsoever, here is a rubber ducky at a castle in Scotland to
seal in the randomness.

Safe travels...or something,

19 Thoughts During a Panic Attack

It's been four months since I've written anything.  I've all but given up on my inspiration but I guess this is what it takes.  It's almost embarrassing to write this.

I'm in the midst of a panic attack and it feels relevant to post this.  Every panic attack feels different for everyone but this is what mine feel like.  It feels like there is a weight on my chest and my brain feels like it's surrounded by a viscous gray fluid...at least that's how I imagine it.  There's sludge in my veins and it feels like every movement is taking too much energy.  I'm sweating and cold at the same time.  I want to take off my sweatshirt but it feels like too much work.  I want to cry but know that I can't.

So here are the thoughts racing through my head as I'm waiting for my lorazepam to kick in:

1. Why do you even bother?  No one reads this.
2. You're too fat.
3. You're lazy.
4. You shouldn't take the medication.
5. You should take the medication.
6. I miss being a drunk.
7. I should have a drink, but I can't because I just took lorazepam.
8. You'll never be good enough.
9. You're going to fail, you're going to fail, you're going to fail.
10. You'll never have enough.
11. You are selfish.
12. You care too much.
13. You made a fool of yourself.
14. You should write more.  Why are you so uninspired?
15. You are alone, you will always be alone.
16. No one loves you.  Why should they?
17. You are a slob.
18. You shouldn't think these things about yourself, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
19. You should hurt yourself.

These thoughts keep racing around my brain on a loop and I can't wait for the numbness to kick in.  And then I hate the numbness when it is always there.  I wish I didn't feel this way...I wish that this wasn't my first post in four months.

Safe travels,